nap time bliss

It never ceases to amaze my sleep-deprived brain (insomnia not child induced) how babies & preschoolers can sleep so very peacefully. I am currently in the car waiting patiently for a wee babe to wake...although as her first birthday approaches I suppose she is 'wee' no more.

I have caught up on emails, read my favourite blogs & am now typing this. I suspect next I shall lean back & close my eyes myself, if only for a moment. Happy nap time everyone!

when normal is awesome

Oddly last Thursday we had nothing planned. No playdates...nowhere to be and no agenda. Daddy went to work before 7 (I'm loving the new job and its hours!) and Teddy, Evie and I prepared ourselves for the day ahead.

After a walk to the local cafe for a babycino, we wandered home to put Evie to bed. Teddy got out the playdough and for the next 40 minutes we rolled and cut and played Spiderman with the amazing stuff. After Evie woke, she fed then Ted started the vacuuming while us girls attacked the bathroom and toilet (Evie sucked the rubber ducky clean!). I should mention that this is the first time since Evie was born - 10 months old soon - that housework has been accomplished home alone with both of them*. By 11:30 in the morning I had finished! (I waited patiently until Ted had finished 'his turn' before whipping around the rest of the house with the vac)

We had lunch then chilled out together while Evie slept. Off to the shops for some bits and pieces then home to cook dinner and play. Magic.

Magic in the ordinary. The unremarkable day that flew by smoothly even when Ted was melting down and Evie wouldn't settle.

Pure magic.

*This is no small feat for me as I have struggled since I was pregnant with Evie. One day I'll share more.

day one...working mama // daddy daycare

As is often the case when we travel, plans are made and in-depth discussions had about how time will be spent directly following the trip. That is exactly what happened during our recent holiday to New Zealand...unfortunately, the most well laid plans can go awry and for us that came in the form of a nasty bout of flu that laid us flat for the fortnight after our trip.

Today, though, sees the beginning of the new regime. The 'get the PhD done' regime. It sees me at my desk reading, typing, sorting, thinking, drinking litres of tea (concentration blend - so yummy!) - taking notes of what I have accomplished and what I still have to tick off the list. It sees the children packed up and off with their daddy for some errands and a picnic in the park. Hours of work will go into this thesis, so many hours I try not to think about it. I'm starting small, with a goal of 5 hours of uninterrupted thesis work per day, six days per week. I've just ticked over 2 hours of the 5.

Of course, daddy has gone and found himself another job - start date unconfirmed but we are planning for next week - and thus the new regime will shift slightly again. Days will look like this: mama up before children, typing away for an hour before the day has begun...mama on duty until 4ish, when daddy will arrive home and allow another hour to be squeezed in before dinner...bedtime routine, then at about 6:30pm mama will try to work for another couple of hours before bed (which needs to be early to facilitate brain function). On days when Teddy is in school and Eve naps, more can be done. Just writing this system down makes it seem doable and I imagine many women make this schedule work for them.

So on that positive note, I'm off to take advantage of this week's daddy daycare - while it lasts!

Much love,
Audrey xox

the pleasure of a number line

I am a nerd. Geek. People that know me, know this. I was teased in school because I was a nerd, complete with glasses & braces (& a terribly nerdy fringe...). At school, my big 'am naturally quite good at' thing was maths. To the extent that I studied it at uni.

So what has this little series of tidbits about me got to do with, well, anything? Well, yesterday something beautiful happened that tied my geeky self to my mummy self to my budding natural parenting self to my mad-keen-on-all-things-Montessori self. My son - my exuberant, energy-bunny, bouncy & mad-as-a-hatter son - chose to pick up a stacking block with a 6 on it & say "Mummy, the number SIX! Number SIX!"

Six is his favourite number, you may have guessed. But this (although it is making me happy just thinking it) is not where the magical bit was yesterday afternoon. Nope. The magic happened when I pointed out the sandpaper numbers on the shelf. We took them out of their little wooden box and we lined them up - from 0 to 9. We named each one, Teddy rapt up in the line the tiles made on the floor. We got out the stacking blocks & matched the numbers. We took out his wooden clock, an amazing shape puzzle/toy clock and added those numbers to our line. We did the shape puzzle clock & put it back on the shelf.

At this point, Teddy was still caught up in the wonder of numbers. Of sequence. My heart was singing. I had to duck into the kitchen to put together dinner. I noticed Teddy start picking up & moving the number tiles, roughly stacking them into a pile a bit further away from where we had been working. "He's done" I thought, pleased that our exercise had lasted as long as it had. I turned back toward the stove & continued dinner.

I heard the thud of racing feet bounding toward me. I braced myself for the 2-year-old body slam into my legs, lucky I had as otherwise I probably would have burnt myself when it came! I glanced down & Ted beamed up at me "I DID IT. Fin-ushed!" I let him lead me proudly over to his number line. Yep. Tiny Ted had been busy lining the stack of sandpaper numbers ever-so-carefully & neatly back into a straight line across the floor.

So they weren't in order, or indeed all the correct way up. We had fun with that, picking each number up & naming it. Lining them up again. My math nerd / mummy / Montessori enthusiast / wish-I-could-home-school selves were aligned in perfect, heart-singing harmony.

The wonder of numbers. Counting has been happening at our place for some time now but this was the first time it all molded into one beautiful 30+ minutes of activity. It was actually probably longer, but I was so wrapped up in Teddy being wrapped up that I didn't notice the time.

Numbers. Teddy & numbers. Bliss.

the parent I want to be

At times today I was not the parent I aim to be. Toddlerhood is challenging in ways that surprise me on a hourly basis. Today Teddy took a short car nap, on a day I really really really needed a nap of my own. Alas, it was not to be and my darling son tested me as he is wont to do on these sleepless days.

At times today I rose past my fatigue and was exactly the type of parent I aim to be. I'm off to bed now, without an ounce of mummy-guilt to keep me awake tonight. I said things in a tone of voice today I am not proud of and made me cringe as I heard myself. In equal measure my son was my delight today and I was his. We played trains and trucks and visited friends and went to our favourite coffee haunt for a babycino. We did puzzles and read story after story after story, sometimes different stories, often the same one on repeat. We showered together, him cuddled against me with the water on his back and his cheek on my shoulder. He giggled at my frustration with his cheekiness and I found enough 'yes' in today to counteract the amount of 'no'.

So off to bed now, with hopes that tomorrow I sneak in a nap - goodnight all.

Much love
Audrey xox

the outlet of, well, anything but a thesis...

So I have neglected this space for months and months and months now in the hopes of creating room in my life. Hmmm. While something had to give, I am not 100% that the decision to put a halt to my wee blog was the wisest one. So here we are, having come full circle I am back.

Much has happened in our world. Teddy is no longer so tiny and has turned 2. Not sure when my baby became my little boy, it has seemingly happened overnight and yet it feels that he has always been this capable and big and well, 'boy'-like! Come August he will graduate from only child to big brother, a change I am becoming less anxious about as each day passes and he seems to mature before our eyes.

I am getting fatter (ok, more pregnant looking...) by the day, waddling here and there. Trying to avoid straining an uncomfortable and unstable pelvis/lower back situation. Easy to do having been through one pregnancy, as I am more aware of the stress of certain movements. Less easy to do, as I run and jump and carry about a growing toddler!

I have become accustomed to the idea of not finishing my thesis before this baby is born, I have even applied for maternity leave. I was a bit sad (and horribly disappointed) to have my somewhat delusional bubble burst a week or so ago. Such is life. I will submit the 2 papers I need to and will complete the 3rd sometime after I return. This doctorate is, it seems, an on-going saga and I have accepted that it is my choice to have it be this way. I wouldn't have chosen to have Teddy years later nor delay this baby. The PhD will (hopefully) keep, my babies won't. They will grow and get capable of things I only dreamed about.

Besides, let's face it. I quite like mothering. I'm quite good at it, most of the time. I like learning about it and facing the new parenting questions that pop up as Ted-bear grows. I like learning about child development and different styles of education and the likes. It's fun.

So here we are. To this space, and to the creative outlet it lends me. Not sure what I will write about, but I imagine that as long as it has not much to do with the subject of my thesis or is academic in any sense this online outlet will be exactly that.

Much love
Audrey xox

Hi, my name's Mummy & I'm a Superhero.

So tiny Teddy went down for his nap this afternoon. I made some phone calls and noticed he was still pottering around his room, not asleep as he should have been. After a few moments, he began a little cry. Curious as to the reason behind his sadness (it wasn't a "why am I in bed - I should be playing?!" protest, rather a whimpering of despair), I knocked gently on his door and went in.

I found a little boy standing at the foot of his bed with a bunch of something in his hand, sadness on his face and a Hairy McClary book on the bed in front of him. This is favourite, most read story of the moment. The something in his hand? Bunched up shreds of a page from the book.

Instantly understanding the sadness, I wiped the beginnings of a frown from my face (Superhero Moment #1) and took the pieces of his favourite book from his hand. "Oh dear" I say, keeping my tone gentle (Superhero Moment #2, I really do want to scold - a firm "what were you thinking?!" was playing in my head) - "this isn't very good is it?"

He looks up at me with tears in his eyes and the dejection of a toddler who thinks he just ruined his favourite book. "It is ok darling heart, Mummy can fix it." He attempts a small smile, obviously not sure of my abilities.

Then, Superhero Moment #3. Turn this into a learning opportunity about the importance of naps...

Mummy: "Do you think you got a bit angry because you are tired and that is why the book ripped?"
Tiny Teddy: Looks at me, thoughtful. A tiny, blink-and-you'll-miss-it nod.
Mummy: "Do you think you should have your nap while Mummy fixes the book?"
Tiny Teddy: Intently gazing into my eyes.
Mummy: "I think you should have a sleep and then we can read the story when you get up."
Tiny Teddy: Climbs onto his bed, gets tucked in and closes his eyes as I leave the room, shreds in hand.

Lastly, something only a Mummy can do. Repair a page of a favourite story by lovingly turning 10+ little balls of picture into a complete page once more. Yes, much sticky tape was used!

So, yeah. I'm kinda feeling like Super Mummy at the moment...

leaps & bounds

Teddy, you are astounding me with the sounds you are sounding, what you understand & what you can convey.
Last night we sang through your 'old McDonald had a farm' book, while you went through your 'baby touch' animal book & found each animal as I sang about it. At first I thought your page turning a coincidence, by the fourth animal I was convinced you are a genius hehehe
I love that you are learning so much every day, that you are doing it in two languages...I love that all your little friends are developing in leaps & bounds right along with you - although for some of them this means literal leaps and bounds as they find their feet!
I look forward to showing you this beautiful world we live in, & you showing me how you see it. Learn on little man, learn on.

to wean or not to wean

Or, as the case may be…un-wean. To eventually re-wean again.

This week Teddy has been ill. Unhappy, sleepy but unable to sleep through…not eating because his throat hurts. I suggested to the doctor and she wholeheartedly agreed, that I should start offering breastfeeds throughout the day again as Teddy needed it to settle him & provide nourishment as he was off his food. This has now increased to include during the night as well.

I just wanted to jot down my thoughts on our experience thus far, as partially weaning Teddy is something that I had struggled with (he has always had - I was going to continue - a feed first thing in the morning & last thing at night). I have thoroughly adored nursing our little son as he has grown over the last year. Not yet a toddler but oh-so-close. Still my baby.

It wasn't plain sailing from the get-go. We struggled with tongue-tie (snipped very early on, about 10 days I think) and saw the lactation consultant twice in the first two weeks as latching problems meant agony for me at each of those long, early feeds. Luckily, we did not have any ongoing problems and once we hit the 8 week mark we were well and truly on our way to breastfeeding success. I loved the freedom and ease of it. I loved the quiet snuggle time with my baby boy. I loved that it was our special relationship and I'll admit (quite the control freak here) - I loved the control it gave me over what I was putting into our baby.

Of course, we had low points. Those growth spurts that meant non-stop cluster feeding from lunch until bedtime. I have been dairy free since he was about 14 weeks old. The odd slip has meant days of explosive nappies and mother-guilt galore. As my favourite foods - every type of cheese - are made solely of dairy, it has been tough. Oh-so worth it.

Once we reached about 8 months and Teddy was still not making it through the night without feeding, we night-weaned. Well, from bedtime until about 4 or 5am. We went to Scotland and we un-night-weaned. We returned and just before his first birthday we were only feeding during the day…rarely deviating from our 5 feed routine.

Friends and family began asking how much longer I intended to nurse. I would smile and be noncommittal. He doesn't seem keen to stop, I would say. So I think it will have to be gently done over time…

Teddy turned one and we hired a nanny for a few mornings a week as I returned to study. I slowly dropped the after-morning-nap feed over a week or so, with no dramas. He started daycare some weeks later, for two days a week. Over the next week we dropped the post-afternoon-nap feed. This was the tricky one. I was still feeling reluctant about weaning in general (I saw it as a necessary evil as I was no longer his primary carer 4 days a week) and Teddy would ask for his afternoon nurse. He'd crawl over to my lap and pull at my top a little. No, not yet - later, I would say gently. You are a big boy now. You can have lo-lo later. Off he would go, play for another 10 minutes then try again. After a week he stopped trying. I was happy and sad and undecided all at once.

For about a month we have been blissfully snuggled against the cooling air first thing in the morning and calmly settling before bedtime at night. Our new routine is lovely, I feel it was time to cut back a little. Teddy doesn't miss it.

Until this week. Now we are feeding more than ever and my awe at being able to sustain my little one through his illness increases every feed. He is recovering and I am beginning to feel apprehensive about starting the weaning process again. First the night, then the morning, then the afternoon. Of course, when he is not with me he doesn't miss it - so our wonderful nanny and daycare won't have to put up with a sad or grumpy or hungry baby. It is during our afternoons and days and nights together where I will summon up resolve I am still unresolved about having in the first place...and say a gentle no.

It has been a wonderfully amazing and spectacular journey over the last 13 months. The next month or so poses a new re-weaning challenge. In the meantime, I will look forward to morning snuggles and nighttime cuddles as the days cool and the nights have me wanting a little body on my lap before bedtime.

firsts

First time you have fallen asleep in my lap (not counting during a feed)...doctor's waiting room yesterday.

First infection...ear & throat.

First antibiotics.

First time you have been off your food...living on fruit puree & half a biscuit.

First breastfeeds during the day (you still have morning & night feeds) for a few weeks...before & after naps...once you are better, we'll gently wean those daytime feeds for a second time.

Love to all the mamas watching their babies suffer...I am so glad this list of firsts took over 13 months to arrive.

unplugged

I don't take my phone on our walks or when we duck to the park for a play.

I ignore the world. I spend my whole life attached to the landline or my mobile or skype or social media and so sometimes I just want to be with you, my tiny Teddy.

I breathe in the green that surrounds us and comment to you about how much I love our life. You chill out in your pram, or on my hip, leaning into the forward motion.

People stop to smile at you and you gaze at them, so chilled they don't trust me when I say you aren't grumpy or sleepy, just chilled out...

Those second...minutes...hours spent around our neighbourhood are some of the best I've ever had. So I ignore the rest of the world. In those moments there is just me and you and I am unplugged.

mud puddles & memories

This morning it rained. Quite a bit actually. Then the clouds cleared and the sun shone.

So we trotted off to the park, tiny Teddy balanced in your favourite spot - my hip - leaning forward in anticipation of the play. Friends surrounded us, bigger kids on bikes. You followed your hero, the 'big boy' with your eyes, drinking in everyone and everything.

Puddles, there were many. Memories? You made a few!

After watching the toddlers jumping in the mud puddles until covered in dirt from head to toe, you wriggle to be put down. Eagerly you crawl over, tentatively splashing at the shallow end. You slowly edge in, until you and two giggling girls are splashing happily. The girls wander off and you are left, still exploring the water - mud splattering your face, blinking rapidly as your eyelashes get wet!

After photos are taken on my fellow mama's phone (I go unplugged at the park...), I call you over to the water fountain and tap. You splash again in the dog bowl - this time with clear, clean water...I wash mud from you and strip you naked. We say our goodbyes and thank everyone for the fun.

Walking up the street, sans clothing - and nappy - once again on my hip, you lean forward in anticipation. Because for you, every minute is an adventure. Every second an opportunity for discovery. You inspire me to be joyful and delighted.

Puddles, there were many today. You needed just one to give me a few memories I will cherish wholeheartedly for a very, very long time to come.

jam-filled kisses & muddy knees

Happy Mother's Day to every mama - today is a day to be spoilt and be thankful for our loved ones...I hope you are having as much fun as I am!

Teddy has made me jammy (wildberry sandwich) and muddy (playground between showers) and I wouldn't have it any other way.

positive

Positive. That is the word of the month in our house. There has been too much of the opposite going on at our place lately - we've been too tired, too cranky and generally just too not-positive! So we have decided to make a change and that change is a new (well, old) outlook. Recapture the joy.

So. To aid in recapturing the joy, we have made a very big leap into our future and have really begun thinking of adding to our family. Having opened the topic for discussion, we are finding it hard not to grin at each other constantly. Positive. Finally, after all the squabbling over this-that-and-the-other, we are doing what is right.

Positivity...very cool.

one

Last Wednesday, April 3rd to be exact you woke to your mama brightly singing 'Happy Birthday' as she opened your blinds and let the light stream in. 'How many are you?' she asks as you are placed on the change table for your new nappy. 'This many!' is her answer, proudly showing one finger to symbolise one.

It has taken me a week to work out how to say to you all the things I feel I want you to know as you turn one. This first year has been the most magnificent of learning curves for your Papa & I. I find it hard to imagine my life without you, I feel as though you have always been here with us. I struggle to picture our house without your squeals of delight and angry grizzles when something doesn't go your way. Your smile is quick and bright, your golden strawberry curls give me such joy and you make me swoon when your big baby blues turn my way as you attempt to flutter eyelashes so long they astound strangers in the street.

You are so pretty those same strangers still confirm you are indeed a boy, then exclaim your eyes confused them! It amuses me, as you are a boy in every sense of the word. On walks you must inspect every car that passes, we will deliberately get to our destination late just to follow the bus trundle along the road. You need to investigate anything and everything, spin it around in your hand and check to see if it makes a sound when you crash it into the ground or bang it on something. If a sound is made, it is repeated with gusto until something else catches your eye.

At one, you are a speedy crawler but not yet walking. Despite your first steps weeks ago, no attempt has since been made. I constantly marvel at your pace when you want something - your limbs become a blur. You are tall and slender with an appetite that shocks your grandparents as they watch you devour enough food for an army. At one, your best friend is the neighbour's cat Milly and your favourite past time is stalking through the backyard with her as I peg out the washing. You find it mildly offensive the pegs should be trapped in their container and aim to liberate them as often as possible. You can pick up any object no matter how small, and recently added picking up a second or third object with the one hand to your repertoire. You call me Mum-mum & your father Daada and if I check your nappy you will say 'caca' if you have indeed left me a surprise.

At one, I am your favourite person to snuggle and you love your Papa taking you on adventures downstairs. Getting out and about in the car or stroller makes you happy and we have begun frequenting the local playgrounds. You love having a piece of toast in our favourite cafes while I have my coffee - you are my preferred breakfast or lunch date. You make me laugh out loud several times a day as you crack jokes and play games.

At one, we are starting to wean slowly and gently although you are yet to turn down the breast if offered. I suspect we will enjoy our little feeds for a while yet! You are a random sleeper during the night, sometimes making it through and other times not even close.

Perhaps what I want you to know the most though, is that - at one - you are our joy. Thank you for you.

 

bubbly little bubba

In a follow up to our bath woes, bubbles have helped. Adding a little of his shampoo to the running water and making everything sudsy has distracted Teddy from his hysterical reaction to all things bath. Fun is not yet being had, but calmness has once more entered our bathroom and thus our lives of an evening.

Phew!

water water water

Once our friend, now our foe.

The scream-and-crawl-away-as-fast-as-he-can reaction to the bath being poured (let alone being in the bath...that borders on hysteria) began this last week and has got progressively worse each night. 

Today has been about gently reintroducing Teddy to his bath, after an unknown scare has built it into a big, scary place in which he does not want to be.

Cups of water to play with in an empty bathtub this morning, tonight the same with the bath tap trickling in the background. With love, patience and good memories I hope to have my bouncy water babe back in no time!

little lessons

Bubby had his two little girlfriends over today to play. They were born the same week & us mummies connected instantly when we met soon after they were born. As they grow, very different personalities emerge...

Today's (& the next 3 years!) lesson? Sharing. Two (Teddy included) of the little ones are still working on it!

mummy who?

The look on my son's face when his beautiful nanny arrives of a morning...happy and smiley with a touch of "mummy you can go now"! Yesterday was the first and only morning there was a little protest when I left (thank goodness, I was starting to worry I wasn't needed!) - today he was completely fine again.

I am so proud of my independent and confident little boy, he definitely loves his mum (he clings a little when I am around...he doesn't enjoy going to other people from my arms) but has had no problems being cared for by someone else three morning a week.

Et moi? How am I going with the return to study? Well, after the first week I am going to say it is going swimmingly. I am enjoying focusing on a project that I own and am in control of. I am enjoying needing to be somewhere with something to do that has a deadline (although it is difficult wrapping my brain around thinking again) and I firmly believe Teddy is benefiting from the French language immersion he is experiencing.

All in all, at the conclusion of week one...it is going great!

hard

The fly-in-fly-out lifestyle is not for the faint hearted. Today was good & happy & lonely & sad all at once.

My husband & I had a small spat over Skype (he had just woken up grumpy, Teddy was the same so I was not in the mood for two grumps!)...these are interesting as it is the only time we talk so if it is unpleasant we tend to sit & scowl over the video feed rather than hang up. Inevitably one of us will text later to apologise...

But before our argument I had felt the absence of my love more keenly. Sundays will do that I suppose. More Papas about, families enjoying their weekend together. Once again I woke tired, Teddy teething means a night of naps...as I write he is struggling to get back to sleep. He only went to bed a couple of hours ago & thus I struggle to be optimistic about our prospects for a longer sleep tonight.

We went for a walk, played in the park, had coffee at Teddy's favourite cafe (he drank water & nibbled some gingerbread), went fruit shopping & had a wonderful meal at his grandparents house. All good & happy.

Tomorrow is a PhD day for me, five hours of productive study as the nanny plays with Teddy. Yep, tomorrow I will swallow the fog of exhaustion clouding my usually boundless happiness & work.

It isn't always sunshine & fun. Teddy's Papa is missing & it is hard. We have a goal & so I know it is worth the heartache now. Another week plus a bit & he will be back.

Lucky we aren't faint hearted!