day one...working mama // daddy daycare

As is often the case when we travel, plans are made and in-depth discussions had about how time will be spent directly following the trip. That is exactly what happened during our recent holiday to New Zealand...unfortunately, the most well laid plans can go awry and for us that came in the form of a nasty bout of flu that laid us flat for the fortnight after our trip.

Today, though, sees the beginning of the new regime. The 'get the PhD done' regime. It sees me at my desk reading, typing, sorting, thinking, drinking litres of tea (concentration blend - so yummy!) - taking notes of what I have accomplished and what I still have to tick off the list. It sees the children packed up and off with their daddy for some errands and a picnic in the park. Hours of work will go into this thesis, so many hours I try not to think about it. I'm starting small, with a goal of 5 hours of uninterrupted thesis work per day, six days per week. I've just ticked over 2 hours of the 5.

Of course, daddy has gone and found himself another job - start date unconfirmed but we are planning for next week - and thus the new regime will shift slightly again. Days will look like this: mama up before children, typing away for an hour before the day has begun...mama on duty until 4ish, when daddy will arrive home and allow another hour to be squeezed in before dinner...bedtime routine, then at about 6:30pm mama will try to work for another couple of hours before bed (which needs to be early to facilitate brain function). On days when Teddy is in school and Eve naps, more can be done. Just writing this system down makes it seem doable and I imagine many women make this schedule work for them.

So on that positive note, I'm off to take advantage of this week's daddy daycare - while it lasts!

Much love,
Audrey xox

first publication

I think when the whole academic road is as twisty and bumpy (and downright frustrating) as mine feels like it has been, it is easy to forget the end game. My end game? A decent job at a decent school in a decent place where my kids and husband will be happy.

I just received news that my first journal article will be published without any minor or major revisions...accepted as it is. In a good journal. This was so unexpected and lovely that it has come as a complete surprise. I didn't dare dream of this outcome, preferring to be realistic and figure a 'revise and resubmit' would be awesome. You know what?

Forget realistic. From now on, I dream big. The standard has been set. Paper #2? It needs work. But boy, what a blast of motivation to crack on with it. It too will be submitted somewhere good. It may or may not go through the (perhaps lucky) process of the first...and it will probably need revising and resubmitting. But not in my dreams - in my dreams I will receive another email along the lines of "...we have decided to publish it as is."

Because, at the end of the day, that unconditional acceptance of your work, your effort, your tears...that is the dream.

love note to the PhD gods

Dear PhD Gods

You probably don't know who I am, as I am one of those annoying doctoral students that got pregnant, took leave & is now pregnant again. My work won't win a Nobel Prize & it probably won't set the world of econometrics alight with an astounding discovery. It will be good & deserving & more than worthy of the degree. My PhD is an on-going saga & 98% of this spectacular exercise in drawing-the-pain-out is of my own doing. Got it. I own my decisions & I refuse to regret any of them.

I refuse to regret the teaching I did early on (loved it) & I certainly will never regret building a family (still loving it). I won't regret choosing to be a great Mama over study when work took my husband away for the better part of 2 years. Like I said, I own my part of this saga.

However. When delays happen that are just plain old bad luck, out of my control & just downright frustrating, I take issue. I am getting too old & cranky for silly computer malfunctions & delays. For things just not working because the universe, a.k.a. YOU, decide to backhand me on that particular day. So you know what?

Get used to me, PhD powers-that-be, I ain't going anywhere. You know why? According to The Thesis Whisperer, it is because I am resilient. I believe that this PhD is worth it, because quitting is not an option. So I won't. I will work at it for as long as I need to, to get it done. I am as persistent as my 2 year old on this one. You know, the 2 year old that will dig in his heels & scream blue murder at the prospect of leaving his friend's house. Well, when it comes to getting this degree, that's me. It is going to take me a while. I know. But I'll do it. So get used to me & stop dishing me up rubbish I don't have time for, I have enough on my plate.

Much love,
Audrey

the outlet of, well, anything but a thesis...

So I have neglected this space for months and months and months now in the hopes of creating room in my life. Hmmm. While something had to give, I am not 100% that the decision to put a halt to my wee blog was the wisest one. So here we are, having come full circle I am back.

Much has happened in our world. Teddy is no longer so tiny and has turned 2. Not sure when my baby became my little boy, it has seemingly happened overnight and yet it feels that he has always been this capable and big and well, 'boy'-like! Come August he will graduate from only child to big brother, a change I am becoming less anxious about as each day passes and he seems to mature before our eyes.

I am getting fatter (ok, more pregnant looking...) by the day, waddling here and there. Trying to avoid straining an uncomfortable and unstable pelvis/lower back situation. Easy to do having been through one pregnancy, as I am more aware of the stress of certain movements. Less easy to do, as I run and jump and carry about a growing toddler!

I have become accustomed to the idea of not finishing my thesis before this baby is born, I have even applied for maternity leave. I was a bit sad (and horribly disappointed) to have my somewhat delusional bubble burst a week or so ago. Such is life. I will submit the 2 papers I need to and will complete the 3rd sometime after I return. This doctorate is, it seems, an on-going saga and I have accepted that it is my choice to have it be this way. I wouldn't have chosen to have Teddy years later nor delay this baby. The PhD will (hopefully) keep, my babies won't. They will grow and get capable of things I only dreamed about.

Besides, let's face it. I quite like mothering. I'm quite good at it, most of the time. I like learning about it and facing the new parenting questions that pop up as Ted-bear grows. I like learning about child development and different styles of education and the likes. It's fun.

So here we are. To this space, and to the creative outlet it lends me. Not sure what I will write about, but I imagine that as long as it has not much to do with the subject of my thesis or is academic in any sense this online outlet will be exactly that.

Much love
Audrey xox

stepping away / simplifying life

This is a bit of a sad post for me to write, but it is a necessary one. I do not like to admit defeat and am quite determined to see this 'goodbye for now' as a positive step towards the simplification of my life.

It hit me this morning as I pegged out the washing, loving the beautiful weather and warmth of the sun on my face...blogging had begun to weigh on me as something I felt guilty for not doing. Uh-oh, as my darling Teddy would say. Alarm bells started tinkling in my mind. When did my release become my burden? How awfully awful! So...

It turns out this idea of stepping away for a while from this online outlet has been mulled over in my subconscious for a while. Inspired by the lovely Jodi to begin practicing simplicity, I have been keen to live my life mindfully, something I occasionally struggle with.

In keeping with this, something has to give for a time - between the demands of a blossoming 16 month old, being a FIFO family and my desire to complete my PhD sometime within the next 1000 years - I have realised that I cannot have it all, all the time. And that is more than ok.

So, goodbye for now...

productivity...

...is a state of mind.

At least, that's what I'm going with today (and night). Pity it wasn't my state of mind today (or night)...poor, poor, long suffering thesis...

mummy who?

The look on my son's face when his beautiful nanny arrives of a morning...happy and smiley with a touch of "mummy you can go now"! Yesterday was the first and only morning there was a little protest when I left (thank goodness, I was starting to worry I wasn't needed!) - today he was completely fine again.

I am so proud of my independent and confident little boy, he definitely loves his mum (he clings a little when I am around...he doesn't enjoy going to other people from my arms) but has had no problems being cared for by someone else three morning a week.

Et moi? How am I going with the return to study? Well, after the first week I am going to say it is going swimmingly. I am enjoying focusing on a project that I own and am in control of. I am enjoying needing to be somewhere with something to do that has a deadline (although it is difficult wrapping my brain around thinking again) and I firmly believe Teddy is benefiting from the French language immersion he is experiencing.

All in all, at the conclusion of week one...it is going great!

a new friend

Today we met your nanny. She was spectacular, our own Mary Poppins. I knew when I chatted to her on the phone she was it. Our meeting just confirmed it one thousand times over.

You charmed her, smiling widely & stealing her keys to chew.

It is with much reluctance I will return to my doctorate next April, preferring to while my days away with you...having adventures & exploring our world. No matter how much I wish it were otherwise, I must & so you will have a wonderful friend to play with. You will learn so so much - I am excited for you & anxious for myself.

This is the prelude to a new chapter, it will be a great one I am sure...